Amber Milgram: Good evening. I'm Amber Milgram with Progressive Reports Now, and I'm here with high-profile blogger and pundit, Matt Yglesias of Think Progress dot org. Matt, welcome.
Matt Yglesias: Thank you Amber. Do you have any cookies? Cupcakes? Fritos? Pretzels? Ranch dressing?
AM: No, I'm sorry Matt. Haven't you eaten today?
MY: I had 4 meals already, and I just finished dinner 15 minutes ago. But I'm still hungry. I'm so hungry I could eat an elephant. Get it? Hah hah hah. Eat an elephant.
AM: I suppose I do understand what you mean. We'll try to keep this interview brief, so that you can go get your fifth meal of the day as soon as possible.
MY: Thanks. Do you have any cocaine? Or heroin? How about some Everclear? Or some sherry? Maybe a bottle of port?
AM: I'm afraid not, Matt. That's also going to have to wait until we finish the interview. So why don't we get started?
MY: Perfect. But hang on a second. Do you have any marshmallows? How about a Snickers bar? Maybe some lump sugar for your coffee? Or perhaps a squeeze bottle of honey?
AM: Not right here I don't, Matt. Let's move on to the interview. Recently you wrote a blog entry where you sang the praises of continuing to ramp up the war effort in Afghanistan. It seems to have stirred up some heated emotions. Many of your critics are focusing on your citation to Paul Krugman.
MY: Petty jealousy. You went to Harvard, didn't you?
AM: As a matter of fact, yes I did.
MY: So you know what I'm talking about. Everyone is jealous of Harvard. Everyone. And I mean everyone. By the way, do you have any baloney? How about some donuts? Maybe a tin of vienna sausages? Or a jar of molasses. I'm starving here.
AM: I'm sorry, Matt, but this is an office, not a food court. If we can stick to the interview, you will be able to go find some food shortly. So let's get back to your blog entry. You cited Paul Krugman as supporting your position that increasing the war effort in Afghanistan will be good for the American economy.
MY: That's right, Amber. Krugman agrees with me. He always agrees with me. It's like we think with the same brain or something. Say, do you have any hot dogs? How about a frozen pizza? I could really use a corn dog right now, with a tub of ranch dressing for dipping.
AM: Not only did you cite Paul Krugman, but you also suggested that John Maynard Keynes would support your position on increasing the war effort in Afghanistan.
MY: Of course he would. He would know, if he was alive today, that I am one of his finest students. After all, I went to Harvard, and I have read at least 5 essays written by Paul Krugman.
AM: Yet that doesn't explain why Keynes would endorse your position on Afghanistan.
MY: Look, Amber, it's simple really. We need to grow the American economy. We already have a war effort ongoing in Afghanistan. The war effort produces income for a significant portion of Americans. Therefore increasing the war effort will increase the income those Americans receive. And I could really use a hot fudge sundae right now, followed by a banana split and 3 ice cream sandwiches. Can we call someone and have something delivered?
AM: Matt, I'm sure you are aware that Progressive Reports Now supports the noble Democrats. And I'm sure you can understand that means we support President Obama and whatever he chooses to do in Afghanistan.
MY: Absolutely. Is there a McDonald's nearby? How about a Wendy's?
AM: What I'm really interested in, Matt, is your economic analysis. If we increase the war spending in Afghanistan, how will that benefit Americans living in Cedar Rapids, Iowa?
MY: As Paul Krugman said, Keynesian economics supports my position. Holy cannoli, what does a guy have to do to get a stack of pancakes around here? I'd like them with whipped cream and walnuts, fresh Vermont maple syrup, and two sticks of butter. And a carafe of hot coffee please. Can I use your phone?
AM: How about people living in Nashville, Tennessee? How will they benefit from increased war spending in Afghanistan?
MY: Obviously the spending will trickle down to them. Jesus christ, I need some mashed potatoes and chicken fried steak, and I need them now.
AM: So basically, you are saying that if we spend more money on military efforts, it will be good for all Americans? And what about the problem of blowback from Afghanistan?
MY: Listen, the only blowback from Afghanistan I'm concerned with is the opium poppy. I could use a fix right now, I'm getting jumpy. Where's your chocolate stash? How about a bag of gummi bears? Or some Cheetos? Dammit I'm starving here!
AM: I just found a packet of Nutra-Sweet in my desk drawer.
MY: Jesus christ, give me that now!
AM: Matt, take it easy, I'll hand it across to you...(pause)... Matt... wait.
MY: I'll rip those skinny arms right out of your torso if you don't give me that packet right now. Holy crap, I never thought this interview would be such a pain in my ass. Why don't you people have any food around here? What's wrong with you? Is this some kind of prison? Or a concentration camp? Are you trying to starve your guests?
AM: For Progressive Reports Now, I'm Amber Milgram, wishing you a good evening.
MY: I tell you, this has been torture. Krugman would have been fed, I guarantee you!
FN - While we respect the confidentiality of our guests' health concerns, we find it imperative to disclose that in the course of Mr Yglesias's medical emergency, the video transcription equipment was destroyed, and the only recording we have available presently is the audio loop that is routinely recorded for any conversations in Ms Milgram's office. Our technicians are trying to recover the video data feed, but there is a chance that it has been lost forever. In order to prevent a re-occurrence, PRN will be investing in military-grade video recording equipment that can survive a bunker-buster explosive attack. We will also ensure that henceforth, an extraordinary supply of various foodstuffs will be made available to all interview guests before, during and after the interview is being recorded. PRN treasures its readers' loyal support, and deeply regrets the possible loss of the Yglesias interview footage. Again, we are ensuring that this does not happen again.