Friday, July 30, 2010

Amber Milgram interviews Matt Yglesias of ThinkProgress.org

NOTE: PRN apologizes to its viewers for a technical difficulty in producing the video footage for this interview. For the time being, PRN will provide the script. Video footage will be made available as soon as the production crew finish their work, which was interrupted by Mr Yglesias's medical emergency.FN

Amber Milgram


Matt Yglesias


Amber Milgram: Good evening. I'm Amber Milgram with Progressive Reports Now, and I'm here with high-profile blogger and pundit, Matt Yglesias of Think Progress dot org. Matt, welcome.

Matt Yglesias: Thank you Amber. Do you have any cookies? Cupcakes? Fritos? Pretzels? Ranch dressing?

AM: No, I'm sorry Matt. Haven't you eaten today?

MY: I had 4 meals already, and I just finished dinner 15 minutes ago. But I'm still hungry. I'm so hungry I could eat an elephant. Get it? Hah hah hah. Eat an elephant.

AM: I suppose I do understand what you mean. We'll try to keep this interview brief, so that you can go get your fifth meal of the day as soon as possible.

MY: Thanks. Do you have any cocaine? Or heroin? How about some Everclear? Or some sherry? Maybe a bottle of port?

AM: I'm afraid not, Matt. That's also going to have to wait until we finish the interview. So why don't we get started?

MY: Perfect. But hang on a second. Do you have any marshmallows? How about a Snickers bar? Maybe some lump sugar for your coffee? Or perhaps a squeeze bottle of honey?

AM: Not right here I don't, Matt. Let's move on to the interview. Recently you wrote a blog entry where you sang the praises of continuing to ramp up the war effort in Afghanistan. It seems to have stirred up some heated emotions. Many of your critics are focusing on your citation to Paul Krugman.

MY: Petty jealousy. You went to Harvard, didn't you?

AM: As a matter of fact, yes I did.

MY: So you know what I'm talking about. Everyone is jealous of Harvard. Everyone. And I mean everyone. By the way, do you have any baloney? How about some donuts? Maybe a tin of vienna sausages? Or a jar of molasses. I'm starving here.

AM: I'm sorry, Matt, but this is an office, not a food court. If we can stick to the interview, you will be able to go find some food shortly. So let's get back to your blog entry. You cited Paul Krugman as supporting your position that increasing the war effort in Afghanistan will be good for the American economy.

MY: That's right, Amber. Krugman agrees with me. He always agrees with me. It's like we think with the same brain or something. Say, do you have any hot dogs? How about a frozen pizza? I could really use a corn dog right now, with a tub of ranch dressing for dipping.

AM: Not only did you cite Paul Krugman, but you also suggested that John Maynard Keynes would support your position on increasing the war effort in Afghanistan.

MY: Of course he would. He would know, if he was alive today, that I am one of his finest students. After all, I went to Harvard, and I have read at least 5 essays written by Paul Krugman.

AM: Yet that doesn't explain why Keynes would endorse your position on Afghanistan.

MY: Look, Amber, it's simple really. We need to grow the American economy. We already have a war effort ongoing in Afghanistan. The war effort produces income for a significant portion of Americans. Therefore increasing the war effort will increase the income those Americans receive. And I could really use a hot fudge sundae right now, followed by a banana split and 3 ice cream sandwiches. Can we call someone and have something delivered?

AM: Matt, I'm sure you are aware that Progressive Reports Now supports the noble Democrats. And I'm sure you can understand that means we support President Obama and whatever he chooses to do in Afghanistan.

MY: Absolutely. Is there a McDonald's nearby? How about a Wendy's?

AM: What I'm really interested in, Matt, is your economic analysis. If we increase the war spending in Afghanistan, how will that benefit Americans living in Cedar Rapids, Iowa?

MY: As Paul Krugman said, Keynesian economics supports my position. Holy cannoli, what does a guy have to do to get a stack of pancakes around here? I'd like them with whipped cream and walnuts, fresh Vermont maple syrup, and two sticks of butter. And a carafe of hot coffee please. Can I use your phone?

AM: How about people living in Nashville, Tennessee? How will they benefit from increased war spending in Afghanistan?

MY: Obviously the spending will trickle down to them. Jesus christ, I need some mashed potatoes and chicken fried steak, and I need them now.

AM: So basically, you are saying that if we spend more money on military efforts, it will be good for all Americans? And what about the problem of blowback from Afghanistan?

MY: Listen, the only blowback from Afghanistan I'm concerned with is the opium poppy. I could use a fix right now, I'm getting jumpy. Where's your chocolate stash? How about a bag of gummi bears? Or some Cheetos? Dammit I'm starving here!

AM: I just found a packet of Nutra-Sweet in my desk drawer.

MY: Jesus christ, give me that now!

AM: Matt, take it easy, I'll hand it across to you...(pause)... Matt... wait.

MY: I'll rip those skinny arms right out of your torso if you don't give me that packet right now. Holy crap, I never thought this interview would be such a pain in my ass. Why don't you people have any food around here? What's wrong with you? Is this some kind of prison? Or a concentration camp? Are you trying to starve your guests?

AM: For Progressive Reports Now, I'm Amber Milgram, wishing you a good evening.

MY: I tell you, this has been torture. Krugman would have been fed, I guarantee you!

______________________________

FN - While we respect the confidentiality of our guests' health concerns, we find it imperative to disclose that in the course of Mr Yglesias's medical emergency, the video transcription equipment was destroyed, and the only recording we have available presently is the audio loop that is routinely recorded for any conversations in Ms Milgram's office. Our technicians are trying to recover the video data feed, but there is a chance that it has been lost forever. In order to prevent a re-occurrence, PRN will be investing in military-grade video recording equipment that can survive a bunker-buster explosive attack. We will also ensure that henceforth, an extraordinary supply of various foodstuffs will be made available to all interview guests before, during and after the interview is being recorded. PRN treasures its readers' loyal support, and deeply regrets the possible loss of the Yglesias interview footage. Again, we are ensuring that this does not happen again.

Friday, April 23, 2010

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Amber interviews Glenn Greenwald

Amber Milgram recently obtained an exclusive interview of the brilliant legal scholar, author and blogger Glenn Greenwald.

Original here.

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

VICTORY IS OURS!

My dear fellow Progressives,

CONGRATULATIONS TO US! We have won a HISTORIC VICTORY over the Evil Rethuglicans!

Without your support, PRN never could have moved this bill from dream to law. And rest assured, PRN was instrumental in its passage and enrollment. Here's how we've engineered this fantastic and monumental achievement:

1) We made you hate the Evil Rethuglicans as much as we do. We did this because hating the Evil Rethuglicans is essential to working within the system we have. We don't have an ideal system where the Congress is 535 Progressives, 0 Evil Rethuglicans. As long as there is at least one Evil Rethuglican in the Congress, it's all-out warfare! And remember what Donald Rumsfeld said -- you don't go to war with the army you wish you had. Think about that one, fellow Progressive. We have to work with the hand we're dealt in this Political Poker Pugilism! So, what better source for gamesmanship than one of the leaders of the Evil Rethuglicans? Our strategy comes right from Sauron's Eye!

2) Working within the system we have, we have given all discretionary power to the very corporations who have made health care unaffordable in many cases, and totally foreclosed (hint: pre-X) in others. By giving them the power to dismiss Americans from health care, we make it clear who is the real enemy: THE EVIL RETHUGLICANS.

3) Working within the system we have, we ensure that the corporations responsible for the dire state of health care are guaranteed an annuity of double their present profits, for at least another decade. Giving them so much profit will ensure that they become more humane toward everyone who now can't afford health care, or who now is denied health care (hint: pre-X).

4) We have invoked Teddy Kennedy's dying wish -- that he could pass historic reforms in the field of health care before departing this mortal coil. Teddy, we did this FOR YOU, you Lion!

5) Finally, we know that we've done the right thing here. Why? Dennis Kucinich is on board! Noam Chomsky is on board! Silencing the radicals is what we do best at PRN.

Thank us for getting Kucinich and Chomsky on board by donating what you can today. Please mail your TAX-DEDUCTIBLE contribution to:

Progressive Reports Now
ATTN: Amber Milgram, Editor in Chief
PO Box 65713471
Washington, DC 20202-6969

Remember -- we accept check, money order, and most major credit cards. To pay by credit card, call our receptionist Tony Spumoni at (202) 936-1212. Tony will help you with a smile on his face and a precious kitty at his feet.

Solidarnosc!

Yours very truly,

Amber Milgram
Editor in Chief

Monday, March 15, 2010

Help save Health Care!

Dear Fellow Progressives,

Our Movement is in danger. Evil Rethuglicans are trying to derail the most historic piece of civil rights legislation since the Civil Rights Act of 1965.

I'm talking about Health Care Reform, of course.

The Evil Rethuglicans are saying that the Noble Democrat Congress are trying to implement socialism. To this fallacious assertion, I reply:

NONSENSE!

The Noble Democrats are selfless, merit-promoting capitalists, first and foremost! The Noble Democrats would never try to socialize medical care. It would deflate a significant portion of the American Economy, causing even more people to lack health care.

Medical Doctors would stop practicing medicine if they weren't guaranteed 6-figure incomes. Then where would we be?

Progressive Reports Now needs your help in fighting the Evil Rethuglicans.

If you know someone who is criticizing the Noble Democrats, report that person to Homeland Security because (s)he is a traitor!

If you have money to donate, send it to us, and help us fight the Evil Rethuglicans! Please mail your TAX-DEDUCTIBLE contribution to:

Progressive Reports Now
ATTN: Amber Milgram, Editor in Chief
PO Box 65713471
Washington, DC 20202-6969

We accept check, money order, and most major credit cards. To pay by credit card, call our receptionist Tony Spumoni at (202) 936-1212. Tony will help you with a smile on his face and a precious kitty at his feet.

Solidarnosc!

Yours very truly,

Amber Milgram
Editor in Chief

Sunday, March 14, 2010

Amber and Randall discuss health care reform

PRN Editor in Chief Amber Milgram discusses health care reform with PRN General Counsel Randall Lysander.

Original here.

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Holly Ballou is PRN's Employee of the Year for 2009

I'm pleased to announce that our 2009 Employee of the Year is Holly Ballou, our Junior Researcher. I'd like to share some of Holly's wisdom. After reading the quote below I'm sure you'll be eager to join us in congratulating Holly for her thorough research and timely insights, which were exemplary during 2009. Without Holly we wouldn't be in our current position as the leading voice of American progressives.

Amber Milgram, PRN Editor in Chief

I think progressives have earned the right to run the show for a while. We've put up with a lot from Bush and the Evil Rethuglicans. When I'm out in public and I sense that someone near me is an Evil Rethuglican, I try to make things inconvenient for them. I'll drive really slow if they're behind me, or tailgate them if they're in front of me. I'll pull out my cell phone and have a loud conversation with one of my girlfriends about sex or my monthly flow. It's really fun to irritate those Evil Rethuglicans.

Holly Ballou, PRN Junior Researcher